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Yes, I know someone is going to tell me they have heard this story before, but my family has been fighting the various sick bugs that have been floating around and I'm just plain tuckered out. I just don't feel like writing a new story this week. It always feels good to confess one's shortcomings, so I guess numerous confessions ought to bring me up a notch or two with my maker. Therefore, I am re-running this story entitled Confessions of an Altar Boy.
I wonder how many families have spent Thanksgiving dinners learning old dark secrets held by the men in their families?
You know the type of stories I am referring too, don't you? Johnny used to smoke cigarettes in the barn or Dan used to slip out at night through the window to ride his bicycle into town.
I can still remember how smart I thought I was, when I would climb in the big cedar tree down at the pond to smoke a cigarette. It was several years later that I found out my dad knew all along I was sneaking down there to smoke! I was shocked that he was so smart! I thought I had outwitted my parents numerous times, only to find out later in life that my parents weren't as old fashioned as I thought they were.
Well, this is one of those stories of confessions. My mom has heard it before so I'm good to go on this one – then again she probably already knows I wasn't always the sweet little boy she thought I was.
While growing up in the Tomball Lutheran School, we took daily confirmation classes in the seventh and eight grades. Part of the right of passage was to become a candle lighter for our Sunday morning services.
Of course when we would enter the sanctuary of the church we were in full robes and gave an appearance of being a cut above the normal antics of young boy's. The truth of the matter is we were acting like devils in the back room before service began and, as I have always said, God gave boy's hair to cover the growing horns.
One of the first small things we always wanted to do was taste a communion wafer. It was to our great surprise one day we found a whole box of these things under a cabinet in the same room we kept our robes. I can't remember who found the wafers, but I still remember indulging myself in the first taste of a piece of cardboard like substance that melted in your mouth into a distinct glob of yuk.
We soon acquired a taste for these things and for several days we would enter the back room of the church on our way to our confirmation classes and get our daily dose of wafer.
I don't know if they had anything to do with a rash of constipation, but I do recall after a week or so the wafers were eventually moved. I guess one of the ladies noticed the disappearance and hid them from our sight. It's a good thing the wine was kept elsewhere!
On better days we learned the value of fire. Of course one of our duties was to make sure the wicks on our candle lighters were always fresh and in order. Regardless if they  really needed a new wick or not, we would practice and practice lighting the wick and putting them out. We soon learned the longer the wick the bigger the flame and the flame soon put off soot. We also discovered the idea of running the wicks at high speed and writing on the ceiling of the room with the black soot emitting from the wick.
Now before you start wondering why there wasn't an adult in the room, you need to understand all of this went on a few minutes before the service actually started. The pastor of the church would be in the room with us, but he would then move to another room and we were left alone. It was assumed we would behave since we were in church, but somebody forgot we were still boys. Robe or no robe we still had a lot of mischief up our sleeve and our sleeves were real long while we were in those robes!
More next week as I continue the Confessions of an Altar Boy.
- Clifford

I am living proof that wisdom comes with age. The older I get, the more wisdom I exude with each day that passes. My greatest wisdom is related to marriage and therefore, I need to expound this wisdom to the younger generation of men. It is my duty to pass this wisdom along to make marriages better for the men of the world! Young men, hear my words of wisdom and heed them, well! There are a few rules you must learn to live by in order to keep peace in the household.
Rule # 1. Never assist the woman in your life by carrying crystal plates, cups or other fine chinaware that is considered an heirloom, or that may be expensive. I don't care how strong or manly you may be, these items are always subject to jump off of tables or out of your arms without notice. If your wife asks you to move these items, simply act like you are gagging real bad or go into a coughing fit. You can fake a bad hand, broken leg or even a strained back, but never lay a hand on these items.
Rule #2. Never offer to carry any kind of food or baked products that are being used for special celebrations such as weddings, anniversaries or showers. Recently I’ve held true to my beliefs on this and was saved by my insistence to not carry a wedding shower cake. My wife and I had gone to a local bakery to pick up this cake for my niece's shower that was being held at our home. The cake was a three tiered cake and it was in a box, but I told my wife that it would be best if I do not touch it, knowing full well that the worst could happen if I touched the thing. My wife carefully carried the box from the store and it was my job to drive her and the cake home while it rested gingerly on her lap in our car. We made it home just fine and the cake was carefully placed on the serving table for consumption the next day. The cake was covered and there it sat during the night awaiting the event the next day. I was instructed to leave our house during the shower (Rule #3. Always leave the house during showers!) and I gracefully obeyed the demands to vacate the house early. While I was away and as my wife and some of the other ladies opened the box to begin preparations, to their awe, shock and dismay THE CAKE HAD FALLEN OVER AND WAS SMASHED AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE BOX! This of course is a major disaster to any group of women. If it were a group of men we would have simply passed out forks to all the guys and eaten right out of the box in assembly line fashion, but for the lady folk this was really, really bad. There was only one hour before the shower and they scrambled back to the store and found a quick replacement. Not as pretty and not as well prepared as the first one, but at least they had a cake to take pictures with, even though it was a replacement cake.
Rule # 4. Act shocked and dismayed even if you really don't care what happened to their cake. Always sympathize with them.
And now that I am passing down my wisdom to the younger men, here is one last bit of advice on another subject. Always check your fly. Twice now in the past few months I have caught myself coming into work with a feeling of air about myself, only to find out I had failed to zip up. But last week, I had a different problem. I went to the hospital to visit my friend Buddy and as I walked across the parking lot this same feeling of air came about me. I immediately checked my fly only to find it securely in place. As I continued up the elevator and down the hall to his room I knew there was a problem so I quickly reached down once again to check things out, when I found I had busted my pants between the legs. I went in to his room anyhow and there was his wife Carolyn and other family members. Carolyn politely asked me to have a seat but I politely refused and remained standing with my body slightly turned away from them as I visited. Oh well, it wasn't the first time and I guess it won't be the last time these things happen. Life goes on.

- Clifford

Ok, I know this is a dated story and yes, I'm cheating today and re-hashing something old, but like I always say, we all eat the same kind of foods at different times, so why not re-read an old story once in a while.

This past year has been a good one for me. Many of my personal dreams and ideas are coming to pass and I must say I look forward to the new year with a new fervor and delight. I know that regardless of the everyday occurrences in one's life, the overall outcome is still gonna be alright. I'm secure in my faith and beliefs in God and in him I place all my trust, well, sort of, well, almost anyway, unless one decides to tempt fate and do something stupid.  I just hope my stupid days in life are over.

I had enough of those times as a young boy, but I have had a new chill run up my neck a couple of weeks ago that made me re-think my moves and habits up at the ranch.
Now I need to preface this story with a fact. For those of you who do not know me, I am pretty straight laced in my lifestyle, so I can tell you this story with a straight face and a clear mind.

The family ranch is located in Independence, which is north of Brenham about twelve miles. We are in Washington County and our property backs up to a creek named Yegua Creek, which is the spillway for Lake Somerville. (Yegua is pronounced Yeah Wall for all of you folks who can't speak Texan. Another confusing issue is Kuykendahl, pronounced Kur Ken Dial for those of you new to our area) The land is really isolated and has boundaries surrounded by several thousand acres on all sides that are inhabited by less than ten or so people. There is no though traffic and only one way in and one way out. During hard rains we can actually get flooded in, as the water rushes over the road. We are in a fairly remote area for these parts.

About the second week of November, on a cool, crisp afternoon, I was leaving the ranch just about sunset. As I drove down the one lane road approaching our gate, my mind was in a numbed state because I had just finished a couple of hours of relaxation while doing my chores.

Now I know that statement is a bit contradictory. You may ask how can I relax while working? For me, personally, working with my cattle or just messing around outside is relaxing. It can be blazing hot or freezing cold, but if I am away from my desk at work, the pressures of life seem to flow away while I am busting my body doing manual labor. Now all you people who work outside all day probably do think I'm a bit crazy feeling that way, but it's true. I enjoy the manual labor even though it's hard work. My mind is free and all I need to worry about is making sure I don't get myself tangled up in tractor parts or barbed wire and make sure one of my cows doesn't knock me down and hurt me.

Anyway, I finally made it to the gate and got out to lock it. After closing the gate and placing the padlock, I turned to walk back to my truck and I happened to take one last view of the land ahead, as a movement caught my eye in the brush.

"What is that," I thought and my mind immediately said "oh, it's just an old coyote".

I again surveyed the animal and said to myself "wait, a coyote doesn't slink though the grass like that!" Wow, look at the size of that creature! Look at its tail! That sucker has got to be at least seven or eight feet long! That's, that's, that's a cougar!"

And as suddenly as my mind grasped hold of what I was seeing it had already slipped into the next clump of bushes and I did not see it again. 

The animal was a beautiful, extremely dark coated animal, almost black in color and it was in a stalking mode. I don't know if it was approaching a rabbit, squirrel, bird or what, but the cat I saw was an honest to goodness mountain lion or cougar, if you will!

As I drove away in somewhat disbelief I was a bit taken back by what I had just seen. I was reluctant to share this with anybody as I know they would think I am crazy!
After a week or so I got up the nerve to talk to a hog hunter in the area named Zeke. When I mentioned this to Zeke he went to cussin' and sputterin' about wanten' to wrap that cat around the local biologist's neck!

It seems Zeke has seen this cat for several years, but the local authorities have told him that cougars are no longer in this area. I think Zeke is pleased that two of us have now seen this cat.

I'm still secure in my personal faith but this sighting has made me re-think those quiet walks through the woods. I think I may start carrying some added protection. A faith-booster if you will…


- Clifford

I was making my way home several years ago down Hufsmith Road and was about to round the deep corner before you get to Mama Goodsons old café site. I was traveling east on the inside corner, when I noticed a cow in the pasture to my right. She was on her front knees rocking back and forth like she was about to try and leap into the air. I then noticed her rear legs were nowhere to be seen and she appeared to have both back legs amputated. I thought to myself how cruel somebody must be to take off her back legs and leave her in the pasture to fend for herself. I then realized this cow was in serious trouble. She had already worked up a great deal of saliva in her mouth, which is a good indication of stress on a cow.
I stopped the car and dodged a few cars, whose occupants were of course wondering what kind of foolishness I was up to, as I made my way over to the fence.
I could tell this poor cow was in great need of help as her rear legs had both become victim of a small sinkhole and were obviously dangling in thin air several feet below the earth.
I knew the family living in the house, so I made my way to the home of Mr. and Mrs. Foley. As I got back to my car the cow finally freed herself, but she had peeled the hide off the front of her back legs.   
It seems a pipeline had been buried on their property several years ago and the ground had sunk around the pipe. This cow had torn her legs on the buried line when she fell into the hole. I went ahead and drove up to their home and reported the problem for which they were thankful.  
Mr. and Mrs. Foley once occupied the property known to me as the Old Mahaffey Place. I don't know if this is factual, but local history tells me Mr. Mahaffey was the first postal carrier here in our area from many, many years ago. The post office at Hufsmith used to deliver the first mail to this entire area. Now, once again I want to say this is local story only, but I am told Hufsmith used to deliver mail to Tomball, Rosehill, Cypress, Klein and Spring and a part of the Oklahoma community. The nice thing about local history is it can get all jumbled up to make the story more exciting and there are only a few people who can really verify the truthfulness of the story, so with each and every retelling of the same story the truth gets stretched more and more.
As I was talking to Mr. and Mrs. Foley my Grandma Osgood and Aunt Agnes Williams came to mind and Mrs. Foley and I both had a good laugh.
Grandma and Aunt Aggie were two soul mates. During their later years in life they attached themselves to each other like bread and butter. Grandma was a shorthaired lady with white hair and Aunt Aggie had long dark hair. Aunt Aggie drove a car and grandma didn't. Aunt Aggie lived alone after Uncle Percy died and grandma didn't like living alone when grandpa died. Grandma fished and I never saw Aunt Aggie fish. Aunt Aggie made a big garden every year and I don't remember grandma's gardens as being very big.  Two women of opposite ideas and lives, but so closely knit they were inseparable. Where one lady went, so went the other.
Several years ago Mrs. Foley was outside one day when she saw this black and white Ford car driving aimlessly around in her cow pasture. Now there's nothing strange about a car in the pasture, but in this case there was no gate to give access to the field. It seems Aunt Aggie missed the stop sign from Zion Road to Hufsmith and they flew through the ditch and tore down part of the fence, landing unhurt, but stunned in Mr. and Mrs. Foleys cow pasture. These two women were well in their late sixties, early seventies at this point of life and a traumatic jolt of jumping a ditch left them dazed and disoriented.
As Mrs. Foley went into the field to flag this strange car down, she realized these two ladies were somewhat out of sorts. Mrs. Foley asked them if they were ok and they seemed undaunted in their task at hand which was to get to Willing Workers at Church, "could you please show us the exit gate"?
Mrs. Foley tried to help them, but they insisted they were running late and simply needed to get out of this pasture so they could get about their church work, not realizing the car could be damaged or they could be hurt and not even realize it.
Off into the sunset drove Aunt Aggie with Grandma Osgood in the passenger seat, never to look back again. Two friends in life who shared many memories and many laughs, probably barely realizing the potential seriousness of their accident. More worried about their church work than themselves.
Many years ago these two friends passed away. Aunt Aggie first, then grandma had a stroke less than three weeks later.


- Clifford

Dear Friend That Will Remain Unnamed,

I just need to let you know that you are now part of one of my special clubs that I have created. It is called the "useless club". It can also be called the "useless man's club".
Last night there was a conversation between two ladies that we both know. During the conversation there was a discussion about your wife.
I know she has not been feeling well and unfortunately she has had to make a temporary stay in the hospital. There were questions exchanged between these two ladies about her condition. They were concerned about her as they both care for her in a great way and they were really, really wondering how she was doing.
The problem, however, is that the one lady was depending on updates about your wife from yourself. Apparently your updates were not detailed enough. Even though you have given general information it did not contain the necessary details that most women require. The information you have given was openly called "useless". I can share this with you because as with most things, women sometimes think we guys are just "useless".  I know that you are older than I am and I know that you have a lot more wisdom than I do, but you really need to learn how women want detail. I think I have been married a few more years than you have and I need to share some things with you.
It's not enough to simply tell a woman that your wife is doing "fine". Even though the reasonable and logical answer is a one word answer, you must provide detail to a woman – important details too.
It is fully understandable that over detailing any situation simply adds to your already burdened life, because one detail always leads to another question and sometimes men are simply being tested to see if we are telling the truth. It is a trap. It is the female way to find out if we are really as smart as we know we are or could it be that we are simply giving them details to pacify them.
You and I both know that more talking creates less oxygen on the planet and we men need a lot of oxygen when hunting and gathering to feed our families, but the female intake of oxygen is an ongoing everyday massive undertaking. On the other hand however we do need to provide detail mixed with most of the truth. Let me explain.
If a person asks you how your wife is doing, here would be a sampling of an appropriate answer.
"My wife is doing very well thank you. When we arrived at the hospital to check her in she was wearing a blue outfit with beige shoes and her hair was made up in the normal fashion. It was pulled back slightly to the left and it was tied back with a nice hair ribbon. She walked steadily into the room by herself before being admitted. She held her pen in her right hand while signing the paperwork and she was smiling with a slightly tilted head while signing the papers.
As she finished her paperwork we made our way down to her room. It was painted white with a brown wood framed door and the floor was white vinyl. The bed is on the right hand side of the room and it had beautifully placed hospital sheets pulled taut across the bed.
She slipped into her pink gown with white lace on the bottom hem and she wore white cotton slippers. As I helped her into the bed she was greeted by a nurse named Jackie who was very polite and helpful. She was asked to plan her meals for the day and I assisted her with the chicken soup for lunch and ground beef gravy steak for her supper with peas, carrots and a roll. She had tea to drink.
As I exited the room we held each other tightly. Her room number is 2003 and her doctor will be visiting at 4 p.m. this afternoon with updates. I will return to the hospital to see her at that time and I will be glad to provide further updates then."
Do you get the picture David? Do you see that extreme detail is needed when explaining things to a woman? 
Now. There is a way out of this however. The way to make a woman feel you are needed once again is the next time you are asked to repair something around the house, even though you may not really know how to make the repair properly, at least attempt to act like you do. Fake it! Grab whatever it is that needs repairs and jiggle it, hit on it, move it around and maybe it will fix itself. Then once it is working again she will find you very, very useful. She will call her friends and heap praise upon you for making the repair and she will think you are the smartest guy in the world. Just hope and pray she never asks you for details on how the repairs were made. That's when the big trouble begins.
Your Friend and Advisor,

- Clifford
President and CEO of the Useless Man's Club.