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Several years ago I encountered a situation while attending an event that I have wanted to write about. It is a delicate matter and I have wrestled within myself about the proper presentation of the subject. After the events of this past weekend however I have decided the subject matter is not much different than people now see on TV Commercials or in other public places so I consider it safe territory to write about.

One side of my personality enjoys being around friends but another side of me also wants some peace and quiet in life. My wife thinks I’m crazy sometimes but I can go to a very public place and draw myself within my own shell and actually relax amongst a large crowd. I can be there and not talk to anyone and enjoy the peace and quiet within my own mind while there may be loud noise and utter madness going on around me. Strange maybe but it works for me. I did some of this unusual relaxing this past weekend by going to a concert. I will address this past weekends experience in next weeks articles but first I must set the story by taking you back to several years ago when the delicate subject matter first occurred.

The evening of Father’s Day many years ago was very special to for me. I had spent a wonderful day on Lake Conroe with my family and the evening was mine to be alone. About sixty days earlier, not realizing it was going to be Father’s Day, I had purchased me, myself and I a ticket to go see Moody Blues at the Woodlands. My family understood and was happy for me. I had been reliving my youth by going to concerts that year. My wife has no interest in my taste for music and my family doesn’t understand how I can have fun going anywhere by myself but when me, myself and I all get together we all have a great time. The same was very true that night. I left the house about 5PM and traveled to the Woodlands.

I had not been to the Mitchell Pavilion in over ten years or even longer. When I first arrived I was greeted by the most favorite place of any trip I take. The FOOD COURTS! Wow! I just got started and I was already in hog heaven and the music hadn’t even begun yet!

I stopped and got myself a foot long corn dog, a bag of fries and a bottle of water. (The water makes this a healthy meal!) Everything was perfect until I decided to sit down on the concrete curb that surrounded a tree. As I bent over to sit on the curb my corn dog fell slightly sideways and all of the good mustard I had slathered on my corn dog fell on the side of my shoe and all over my jeans. I caught the fries and corn dog in one hand and the water in another but the mustard jumped all over me. I decided that since I was outside on concrete I could let the ants eat up the mustard and I would just let mustard dry on my jeans and shoes because I only had one napkin and I knew I would need it for my face and hands. Yellow Mustard and blue jeans blended well with some of the other people’s clothes I saw in the crowd.

As the music began the crowd began to participate in various ways by clapping and head bobbing to the music then suddenly the jumpers started. I have so named them jumpers because they jump up from their seats that they paid good money to sit in and start standing up and blocking the view of everyone unfortunate enough to be behind them. The women in front of me were jumpers and the women beside me were jumpers too. I have no problem with occasional jumpers but when they stand in front of me wiggling their backsides at my eye level the entire night it gets frustrating. First of all I must confess, it’s a distraction from the stage but secondly I paid dad-gum good money to be able to sit in a seat and these jumpers block my view!

The lady next to me had a purse in the seat with her that had a real long plastic handle on it. It kept poking me in my armpit because the handle was real tall and made of hard plastic. She finally placed the purse under her seat. Two purses in front of me kept sliding off the seat every time the women would stand up and they would both hit me on top of each foot in a very simultaneous fashion. I kept kicking the purses back under the seats.

During one of the songs the lady next to me decided she needed to get something from her purse. She was on my right. I was sitting in my chair with my right fist on my right knee keeping time with the music by tapping my knee when I turned my head to the left to look at something while keeping my hand on my knee. As my head is turned this lady on my right turns her body parallel to the aisle with her bottom towards me and I suddenly felt a warmth come over my fist that was still in place on my knee. As I turned my head back to observe the split second event this woman was actually sitting on my fist and seemed completely oblivious to the very uncomfortable situation she put me in! It was not a slight touch of my fist but a very pronounced sitting and moving about while digging in her purse under the seat!

“Oh my” I thought to myself, “what do I do? Do I move my hand, wiggle my thumb, holler, jump and run --- what do I do?”

I was sitting there in a cold sweat for a good fifteen seconds or so and this lady seemed to be totally oblivious to the position of her lower extremities and to the obvious tightened up fist below her…her…well, you get the picture! Talk about embarrassed! Wow! I wanted to crawl under the seat and join the purse for a while but then she stood up and went right back to jumping up and down and swaying to the music. She never apologized, never commented, never said a thing.  As for me --- well honey, don’t forget I told you this story as soon as I got home.

Clifford

Well, I spent lunch time today with a mischief minded person. This guy sits around all the time trying to figure out how to play another joke on some unsuspecting soul. He has pulled so many jokes on people in the past, that he lives his life always having to watch over his funny-boned shoulder, wondering who is going to try to get him back.

He started out in life as the jokester in his Sunday school class and carried it over to his grade school days. In high school he was always the head of this class -- in pulling pranks that is. As a young adult, he pulled jokes on his friends and family and as he has become part of the older generation he has slowed down a bit, but can still pull off some pretty good events. He is very, very careful when he pulls one of his pranks. He never wants to hurt anyone and safety is a real issue with him. He is also very careful to consider the end result, so it does not hurt the reputation of the person or bring embarrassment upon them.

His wife sometimes gets exhausted trying to figure him out on what is true and what is a joke and she has told him that he really needs to slow down but you know what -- I just won’t listen to her. Life is too short to be straight laced and mumble mouthed!

I “got out of town” today and went down the road a few miles to Panera Bread. I go there because it gives me a short drive time away from the office and allows me to clear my mind.  Now I know most people would wonder why I would want some drive time, but I only live about four miles from the office so traveling at lunch gives me a short relief from the pressure of office work.

As I was sitting in the café I glanced over a short wall next to my table and saw the profile of a lady I thought I knew. The glare of the window was in a position that I had to readjust my line of sight and lo and behold, there was my Aunt Gladys Dale and Uncle Marvin Dale having lunch. It was out of character for me to see them during lunch, because they were about as far away or maybe a little further from their home as I was from my office. I was surprised to see them and between bites of my sandwich I began to evaluate my situation. They were located at a two person table with no extra chair and I was at the same kind of table. There were people crowded near them, so I knew that if I went over to their table right away it would be a major move, because I had already spread some reading material on my own table and was already into my meal. I decided to just wait and go greet them after I finished. Then my mind started working in a devious fashion.

Uncle Marvin Dale is my mentor when it comes to being happy go lucky and pulling jokes. I have learned from some of the best and he is one of them. Perhaps I thought, I could toss a balled up napkin at their table and then stay hidden behind this wall? No, not good. Maybe I could call out his name in the middle of the café making him have to look around to find me? No. I know! Maybe I can have the manager come tell them they needed to move tables or maybe I could heavily tip the bus boy and have him just start removing their plates out from under them? Man, what can I do? I finally took a low keyed, high tech approach. I just texted and asked “how’s your salad” because that is what Aunt Gladys Dale was eating.

Well, the next thing I know they were walking out the door before I could finish my sandwich. Eventually they answered my text and I caught them in the parking lot as they were moving down the driveway. I watched Uncle Marvin Dale turn left, when he should have turned right. I saw him drive around in the parking lot like an aimless wanderer in the desert. He was probably receiving directions from Aunt Gladys Dale. I was right behind him in my truck when he finally got straightened out and headed down Spring Cypress probably headed to Wal Mart (they’re retired). He turned one way and I turned the other. I had to go back to work. He probably went to take a nap.

Clifford