Official site of Tribune News serving Tomball, Magnolia and Waller

Several years ago I encountered a situation while attending an event that I have wanted to write about. It is a delicate matter and I have wrestled within myself about the proper presentation of the subject. After the events of this past weekend however I have decided the subject matter is not much different than people now see on TV Commercials or in other public places so I consider it safe territory to write about.

One side of my personality enjoys being around friends but another side of me also wants some peace and quiet in life. My wife thinks I’m crazy sometimes but I can go to a very public place and draw myself within my own shell and actually relax amongst a large crowd. I can be there and not talk to anyone and enjoy the peace and quiet within my own mind while there may be loud noise and utter madness going on around me. Strange maybe but it works for me. I did some of this unusual relaxing this past weekend by going to a concert. I will address this past weekends experience in next weeks articles but first I must set the story by taking you back to several years ago when the delicate subject matter first occurred.

The evening of Father’s Day many years ago was very special to for me. I had spent a wonderful day on Lake Conroe with my family and the evening was mine to be alone. About sixty days earlier, not realizing it was going to be Father’s Day, I had purchased me, myself and I a ticket to go see Moody Blues at the Woodlands. My family understood and was happy for me. I had been reliving my youth by going to concerts that year. My wife has no interest in my taste for music and my family doesn’t understand how I can have fun going anywhere by myself but when me, myself and I all get together we all have a great time. The same was very true that night. I left the house about 5PM and traveled to the Woodlands.

I had not been to the Mitchell Pavilion in over ten years or even longer. When I first arrived I was greeted by the most favorite place of any trip I take. The FOOD COURTS! Wow! I just got started and I was already in hog heaven and the music hadn’t even begun yet!

I stopped and got myself a foot long corn dog, a bag of fries and a bottle of water. (The water makes this a healthy meal!) Everything was perfect until I decided to sit down on the concrete curb that surrounded a tree. As I bent over to sit on the curb my corn dog fell slightly sideways and all of the good mustard I had slathered on my corn dog fell on the side of my shoe and all over my jeans. I caught the fries and corn dog in one hand and the water in another but the mustard jumped all over me. I decided that since I was outside on concrete I could let the ants eat up the mustard and I would just let mustard dry on my jeans and shoes because I only had one napkin and I knew I would need it for my face and hands. Yellow Mustard and blue jeans blended well with some of the other people’s clothes I saw in the crowd.

As the music began the crowd began to participate in various ways by clapping and head bobbing to the music then suddenly the jumpers started. I have so named them jumpers because they jump up from their seats that they paid good money to sit in and start standing up and blocking the view of everyone unfortunate enough to be behind them. The women in front of me were jumpers and the women beside me were jumpers too. I have no problem with occasional jumpers but when they stand in front of me wiggling their backsides at my eye level the entire night it gets frustrating. First of all I must confess, it’s a distraction from the stage but secondly I paid dad-gum good money to be able to sit in a seat and these jumpers block my view!

The lady next to me had a purse in the seat with her that had a real long plastic handle on it. It kept poking me in my armpit because the handle was real tall and made of hard plastic. She finally placed the purse under her seat. Two purses in front of me kept sliding off the seat every time the women would stand up and they would both hit me on top of each foot in a very simultaneous fashion. I kept kicking the purses back under the seats.

During one of the songs the lady next to me decided she needed to get something from her purse. She was on my right. I was sitting in my chair with my right fist on my right knee keeping time with the music by tapping my knee when I turned my head to the left to look at something while keeping my hand on my knee. As my head is turned this lady on my right turns her body parallel to the aisle with her bottom towards me and I suddenly felt a warmth come over my fist that was still in place on my knee. As I turned my head back to observe the split second event this woman was actually sitting on my fist and seemed completely oblivious to the very uncomfortable situation she put me in! It was not a slight touch of my fist but a very pronounced sitting and moving about while digging in her purse under the seat!

“Oh my” I thought to myself, “what do I do? Do I move my hand, wiggle my thumb, holler, jump and run --- what do I do?”

I was sitting there in a cold sweat for a good fifteen seconds or so and this lady seemed to be totally oblivious to the position of her lower extremities and to the obvious tightened up fist below her…her…well, you get the picture! Talk about embarrassed! Wow! I wanted to crawl under the seat and join the purse for a while but then she stood up and went right back to jumping up and down and swaying to the music. She never apologized, never commented, never said a thing.  As for me --- well honey, don’t forget I told you this story as soon as I got home.

Clifford

Yes, I know I have placed this story in this paper in times past. There has been a special event however this week that has caused me once again be thrown back into the realm of realization that Uncle Ed is not going to change regardless of the circumstances in life. Read this story and I will pick up again at the ending to share a new event and the reason I re-ran this story.

Marriage in a family always brings new relatives. When I married my sweetheart over forty years ago she brought with her a good crew of kinfolk. Good people from East Texas.

Uncle Ed is just a few years older than I am. When I first met Uncle Ed and Aunt Brenda they lived in Dallas. Uncle Ed expanded himself physically and went from a long, tall, slender fellow to a long, tall, big guy. Now I don’t ever want to dis anybody about their size but Uncle Ed and I have “grown” and “lost” together with each of us gaining an overly proportionate share around the mid section.

Uncle Ed and I have spent many a good time together over the years fishing, hunting, shooting bottle rockets at each other and just having good times. It’s about one of our hunting trips I want to share with you.

Over my years of working I have moved from an outside, heavy sweat construction background to inside air-conditioned comfort. I have no desire ever again to have to earn my living outside. I am spoiled to the A/C and I know it! I don’t like to sweat anymore and I don’t like that sticky, grungy feeling I get when the humidity is real high. Because of my desire to stay cool and comfortable my personal habits allow me two showers per day, morning and evening. I like the feeling of squeaky-clean hair and the coolness the showers bring. Even when I go to the ranch to work I shower two times a day. I feel refreshed!

As all of us know our bathing habits, or lack thereof, can sometimes cause the paint to peel from the walls. You know the smell; the type of smell that can spoil the milk before we ever get it put into the refrigerator. That smell that can gag a gnat! When men get together in large overnight groups the extra body heat and humidity in a room can cause the roof to float up to catch air! This was the setting for this story. Several grown men and boy’s inside our ranch house several years ago and Uncle Ed was among the crowd.

Our sleeping arrangements matched Uncle Ed and I in a double bed. Putting the two of us in one double bed is like stuffing two cans of sardines into one. The two of us were suffering for room and there was none to spare.

Uncle Ed had already been at the ranch since the late night before and with the exception of yours truly nobody else had taken a shower. Because I was refreshed and clean smelling I felt I had the right to complain about everybody else’s B.O.  Some of these guys and their clothes were already beginning to run the deer off and they hadn’t even gotten into the stand! They were pretty rank and Uncle Ed was among the crew.

As the lights went out for the night Uncle Ed plops himself on the bed next to me fully clothed, coveralls, socks, dirty gimmie hat and all! He didn’t pull back the covers. He simply fell on the bed right on top of the bed spread without pulling back the covers. I immediately told him how I felt about his odor and kindly asked him to at least remove his hat and socks. After a few moments of silence he refused to do so and I became perplexed as to what would prompt his need for socks and hat in bed? Again I requested him to remove them and again he refused.

Now keep in mind we are in one large, dark room with several other guys sleeping in various areas on the floor. As we all know when the lights go out our sense of hearing becomes enhanced and when one guy speaks everyone else listens.

Again I asked Uncle Ed to remove his socks and hat and he refused. I was really hoping he would have been able to wear something cleaner to bed and as the moments passed by my frustrations grew and grew. I covered my head with my covers but the smell was beginning to perminiate itself under the covers and I knew I couldn’t sleep with my head covered all night. I fussed and complained to no avail. Uncle Ed refused to accommodate my wishes and I grew more and more aggravated. After pleading, demanding and begging I tried to resolve myself to my plight for the entire night.

I turned my back to him and put the covers again over my head and my hand over my mouth and nose and was going to try to make the best of it. As I lay in the darkness my frustrations turned to anger and soon I bounded out of the bed and hollered some very poorly placed words at Uncle Ed, “ Uncle Ed, I ain’t sleepin with you unless you take all your clothes off”!!!!!!.

Well…… after realizing in a flash what I had said and knowing how it sounded, somebody jumped up and turned the lights on and every man in the camp was raising up from his sleeping area wondering what in the world was going on!!!!

Needless to say we had a good belly laugh and I simply moved to a less pungent area to sleep on the floor. I really think Uncle Ed kind of planned it that way and that’s why he refused to remove his socks and hat!

This past week Uncle Ed made a trip to the emergency room. He just wasn’t feeling good. I stopped by after work to visit him and as I entered the room and there he was, once again, almost fully clothed all laid up on the hospital bed with socks and gimmie hat to boot! He did however have his shirt off this time so they could hook up some wires but the hat and black socks were a dead giveaway as to the fact he has not and will not change but at least I think he had taken a bath…at least I hope so.

Clifford