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Dear Friend That Will Remain Unnamed,

I just need to let you know that you are now part of one of my special clubs that I have created. It is called the "useless club". It can also be called the "useless man's club".
Last night there was a conversation between two ladies that we both know. During the conversation there was a discussion about your wife.
I know she has not been feeling well and unfortunately she has had to make a temporary stay in the hospital. There were questions exchanged between these two ladies about her condition. They were concerned about her as they both care for her in a great way and they were really, really wondering how she was doing.
The problem, however, is that the one lady was depending on updates about your wife from yourself. Apparently your updates were not detailed enough. Even though you have given general information it did not contain the necessary details that most women require. The information you have given was openly called "useless". I can share this with you because as with most things, women sometimes think we guys are just "useless".  I know that you are older than I am and I know that you have a lot more wisdom than I do, but you really need to learn how women want detail. I think I have been married a few more years than you have and I need to share some things with you.
It's not enough to simply tell a woman that your wife is doing "fine". Even though the reasonable and logical answer is a one word answer, you must provide detail to a woman – important details too.
It is fully understandable that over detailing any situation simply adds to your already burdened life, because one detail always leads to another question and sometimes men are simply being tested to see if we are telling the truth. It is a trap. It is the female way to find out if we are really as smart as we know we are or could it be that we are simply giving them details to pacify them.
You and I both know that more talking creates less oxygen on the planet and we men need a lot of oxygen when hunting and gathering to feed our families, but the female intake of oxygen is an ongoing everyday massive undertaking. On the other hand however we do need to provide detail mixed with most of the truth. Let me explain.
If a person asks you how your wife is doing, here would be a sampling of an appropriate answer.
"My wife is doing very well thank you. When we arrived at the hospital to check her in she was wearing a blue outfit with beige shoes and her hair was made up in the normal fashion. It was pulled back slightly to the left and it was tied back with a nice hair ribbon. She walked steadily into the room by herself before being admitted. She held her pen in her right hand while signing the paperwork and she was smiling with a slightly tilted head while signing the papers.
As she finished her paperwork we made our way down to her room. It was painted white with a brown wood framed door and the floor was white vinyl. The bed is on the right hand side of the room and it had beautifully placed hospital sheets pulled taut across the bed.
She slipped into her pink gown with white lace on the bottom hem and she wore white cotton slippers. As I helped her into the bed she was greeted by a nurse named Jackie who was very polite and helpful. She was asked to plan her meals for the day and I assisted her with the chicken soup for lunch and ground beef gravy steak for her supper with peas, carrots and a roll. She had tea to drink.
As I exited the room we held each other tightly. Her room number is 2003 and her doctor will be visiting at 4 p.m. this afternoon with updates. I will return to the hospital to see her at that time and I will be glad to provide further updates then."
Do you get the picture David? Do you see that extreme detail is needed when explaining things to a woman? 
Now. There is a way out of this however. The way to make a woman feel you are needed once again is the next time you are asked to repair something around the house, even though you may not really know how to make the repair properly, at least attempt to act like you do. Fake it! Grab whatever it is that needs repairs and jiggle it, hit on it, move it around and maybe it will fix itself. Then once it is working again she will find you very, very useful. She will call her friends and heap praise upon you for making the repair and she will think you are the smartest guy in the world. Just hope and pray she never asks you for details on how the repairs were made. That's when the big trouble begins.
Your Friend and Advisor,

- Clifford
President and CEO of the Useless Man's Club.