I was traveling down Critter Road the other day and drove past a church house. Now, in case you don’t know, Critter Road is actually Decker Prairie Rose Hill Road. It makes a big loop from SH 249 around to FM 2920. During my high school days, this road was driven by me and my buddies for reasons I will not mention, but when we drove this road we always saw dead critters, so we named it Critter Road. Besides, Decker Prairie Rose Hill Road was too long to say.

As I drove past this church house, a young lady was stepping out the front door of the building and she had in tow a young boy probably 3 or 4 years old. She had a motherly arm load of various bags, a purse, a lunch bag and other items in one arm and this young man walking behind her as she firmly held his hand coming out the door.

She was multi-tasking like mamas do. She was carrying, dragging, pushing, walking, talking and maybe even chewing gum all at the same time. Mamas do that. Daddies can’t.

As soon as the door shut behind them, I saw this young man jerk his arm and break her grip and he took off running from her with a smile on his face that appeared to say “I’m free, I’m free” as he headed across the parking lot. This lady took off running in a motherly fashion after him as this toddler made his wobbly trot across the parking lot toward the busy street. She was running and hollering for him to stop.

I immediately began applying my brakes and I was about to turn my truck across the road to begin blocking both lanes of traffic as I saw this young man almost make the ditch before she caught up with him. No sooner did she grab his arm that her momma’s wuppin’ arm begin to frantically swing toward his hiney. She pulled him back to safety as she spanked him a few swats and the whole time she continued holding onto her armload of motherly things, multi-tasking the entire time.

I was relieved all went well and then I began to laugh. It’s not too often anymore that you see children who should and ought to be spanked receive swats in public. Probably anyone over 30 has been spanked at least once in their life and the bottom line is, the world was a lot more of a sane place when spankings were used to correct our kids.

But so much for my editorial. After seeing this event, I decided to write my personal observations on the various kinds of spankings that can be administered.

First, the Momma’s Wild Arm Spank. This is the process whereby a mother is in a panic mode. She is crying inside that her child was almost hurt or injured, happy they were not, mad at the child, glad the child is theirs, mad at herself for being mad and swinging her arm at full length toward the tiny hiney. This method administers a minor amount of pain, but more fear because the mother is usually hollering while spanking and she may be crying too!

Clothes Too Thick Spank. This spanking is a series of short strokes of the arm and hand and does nothing to the child but generally causes Mama’s hand to hurt and turn red.

The Cloth Shoe or Cloth Belt Spank. This is solely an emotional spanking by mothers. It does nothing to create an even minor pain to the receiver and makes young boys sometimes laugh behind Mama’s back. More on this one later.

The Switch. The switch is probably the most effective tool mothers can apply. They cause a real sting, but should generally be applied only to older children. It keeps the boys from laughing behind her back.

Next week I will pick up on more methods that come from the word of an expert, as well as a few methods for the receiver to overcome additional woes.

Clifford

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