There are no secrets and no special tactics. Simply diet and exercise. I owe an apology to a lot of the restaurants in town. I haven’t visited many of you in a long time. It seems sacrilegious to enter some of our fine eating establishments and not order the items they are famous for. They are all good home cooking and my personal will power is beginning to kick in, so I may try going back to some of them and try to eat something a little less fattening.

I have been traveling “out of town” over the last few months to eat as I have found the trip away seems to remove me from the places I know serve excellent food, but now a new problem has cropped up. The place I have been eating now knows me by name and the young people behind the counter already have my order memorized! Oh well, it’s nice to be remembered. A young lady named Michelle announced my name when I walked in the door and I didn’t have to say a word. She placed my order for me! I am down very near 50 pounds, but one day soon I will indulge myself on some more local cooking.

The best I can figure is I have written more than 780 stories in my lifetime about me, myself and I, along with a lot of other people, places and things. I am still amazed, however, that very often I still have small things that spur my memory and as I ponder on them the memory becomes more and more vivid.

Most of the stories I write are real facts. I am the kind of guy who lives life to the fullest and is crazy enough to laugh at my own mistakes and will record my own mishaps with a clear understanding that to err is human but to not try is a bore.

I have had many ups and downs, right turns and wrong turns and there are very few things about my life I don’t mind sharing with you. Occasionally, my stories are about other people, too. There are, however, some stories I will never tell.

I will never tell the story about the girl I know who wore her first bra to school. Me and all the other guy’s noticed right away.

I will never tell the story about the girl I know who used to run her hand into a guys pocket to get his gum all the time at school. It was all fun and games until he had a hole in his pocket one day. They were both extremely embarrassed!

I will never tell the story of the guys I know who stole canned pineapple out of a railroad car and spent weeks trying to eat all the loot.

I will never tell the story about the little boy in church who had laid down on the pew while the congregation stood for prayer only to have his head sat on by his dad when the preacher told every body they could be seated. The sad part, however, was the little boy called his dad a very loud vulgar name right during the middle of the service. I will never tell the names of the three guys in the pew behind them that almost busted out with laughter when it happened.

I will never tell the story of a group of guy’s who threw a paper bag of cow manure on somebody’s porch, lit it on fire and then rang their doorbell only to laugh their heads off while this poor soul stomped out the fire!

I will never tell the story of a group of young parents who took their babies with them one night to wrap a friend’s house for not showing up at their high school reunion planning party.

I will never tell the story of the guys who used to eat communion wafers they took from the bottom cabinet in their church house. (Wait a moment, maybe I have already told that one!)

I will never tell the story of the guys who disassembled somebody’s buggy only to re-assemble it on top of the local general store.

I will never tell the story of the guys who stole some fence posts from the local store only to fence in the store owner’s cow in the middle of the pasture one night. When the lady of the house woke up the next morning to call the cow in for milking, the poor cow was fenced in its own pasture and couldn’t come up to the house for milking.

I will never tell the story of three guys who sat behind a lady in church and almost broke into laughter when the congregation rose for prayer because this ladies dress was improperly tucked into her bottom side. The same guys poked each other in the ribs during the prayer daring each other to pull the dress out.

Yes folks, there are a lot of stories I will never tell.

Clifford

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