I enjoy trying to cook. I can cook almost anything that walks, crawls or flies. I have cooked beef, chicken, fish, crawfish, armadillo, soft shell turtle, gar, carp and a mean pot of beans. Now keep in mind that just because I cooked it doesn't mean you can eat it! No siree, I can botch up the best cut of steak you have ever seen. I can take a steak that cost $10 and turn it into a two-bit piece of rubber in a flash!

I've shared stories of my past job at the old Mama Goodson's Cafe in Hufsmith. They were and still are famous for their chicken fried steak. I always watched them beat the steaks on the chopping block, but I never paid attention to the type of batter it is put in before cooking. All I can remember was Ms. Kerri dumping the steaks in something that looked like an egg and milk batter, but I never learned the exact sequence of dipping.

I decided one day I was going to cook myself some chicken fried steak while my loving wife was away. (I can't cook when she's at home. She makes me nervous while she's in the kitchen.)

I gathered together the eggs, milk and flour as well as a couple of steaks. At first I dipped the steak into the egg, then the milk and then the flour, back into the egg, into the milk and back into the flour. But each dunking washed off the first product until I simply had a batch of dripping goo oozing from the steak. 

My next batch of batter was the egg, milk and flour all mixed into one bowl. I dunked the steak into the batter but I couldn't get the batter to stick to the steaks. It was kind of like the glue we used to make in the first grade from flour and water. It stuck to my hands, the bowl and to everything else, but it wouldn't adhere to the steak! To solve this problem I took the steaks in my right hand and attempted to pat this batter on the steak until I had it covered real good and I eased it into my hot grease.

The steak started to cook real good at first developing a golden brown color so I assumed it was done.

As I removed it from the grease, I placed it on a plate to begin the process of wrapping my lips around this golden brown creation I had properly named Golden Brown Chicken Fried Steak by Clifford.

As I stabbed the steak with my fork the fork almost bent in two as the steak slid off on the floor. I had created a rock.

Refusing to admit defeat I still was chewing on the steak when my wife arrived home. "How was your supper honey?” she asked. “Great,” I said, as my teeth resisted every chew.

Another favorite food item I enjoy cooking is red beans and rice. I like red beans, but my wife gets on to me when I eat them. I have tried to explain to her that I am doing my part for the environment by creating additional natural gas. I received a gag gift one time that was called "Hillbilly Bubble Bath" It was a bag of beans. You cook the beans, eat them and climb into a tub of soapy water and ...well, I guess you get the picture.

Aunt Brenda saw me cook my beans one time and she wouldn't eat them. I simply tore open the package and poured the bag into the pot. She informed me right away that beans sometimes contain small stones in the bag. I didn't know this, but she refused my beans and I have since learned to wash and separate the beans before cooking.

The only time I am now allowed to cook is at the ranch, usually during deer season. One day several years ago, I started an early morning pot of beans. As my pot of beans was cooking they began to develop that natural roll of boiling in the water. You've seen it before. A pot full of beans can roll over and over inside the pot. As my beans began this roll a friend of the family named Albert Sebach walked over to the pot to see what I was cooking.

Albert was a bachelor. He had his own way of doing things. His way was the only way, but he would never interfere - even though he always thought your way was the wrong way. His personal and people skills were part of the exclusive bachelor club variety. Albert had a bad habit of cussing a lot, so when he began to cuss my beans it really didn't bother me too much, but in between the bad language and body language of discontent I was able to decipher his main question of "what in the world are you cooking in this pot?"

As I walked over to the pot I saw with amazement a large glob of something in the pot of beans.

I grabbed the nearest spoon and as I dug this glob of yuck from the pot I came to realize the pot holder had been accidentally deposited into the pot of beans. The best I can surmise was when I took the lid off during cooking I must have laid the lid on top of the pot holder. The condensation from the boiling water on the lid had caused the pot holder to attach itself to the lid and the rest is history.

I have to admit however, we were extremely hungry, and the rice, cornbread and red beans were sure good eatin’!

Clifford

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