In remembering my former youthful days of marriage I thought I already knew all the answers before the questions had even been asked, but as I age, wisdom seems to abound more greatly. This vast knowledge of wisdom I now have sometimes exudes itself to the point that I want to tell the world my knowledge but I keep it bottled up only until I hear stories like this one. I must speak!

There is an un-named young man I know who has recently asked a young lady to marry him. The wedding plans are in process and they are beginning the task of doing things that we men really don’t understand. The young man is being dragged to places he would never enter on his own and is being asked to do things that he will probably never do again.

I have no personal desire to enter stores that sell bath or kitchen products unless the product is of the eating variety. I could care less about the color of my bath towels or the type of soap dish the soap sits in. I don’t care whether or not the spoons match the forks of if the knives are called steak knives, paring knives or a Leatherman, as long as they cut the meat. I don’t need dispensers that dispense hand lotions and I really don’t need some little cloth thingy that covers my toilet paper!

I don’t need a box of tissue to blow my nose that matches the flowers on the wall of my bathroom. I don’t need anything to hang my hand towel on that is gold, brass or silver. A nail will do just fine. Us guys just don’t need this kind of stuff in our lives. Give me a big red handkerchief, some red shop rags, a roll of paper towels and a pump bottle of Go Jo and we are good to go.

Toilet paper needs to be readily accessible and not covered with dainty little frilly things, and plastic spoons and forks are just fine with me. But when a man succumbs to the wedding duties, all that begins to change.

It is a change that is a learned change. We become trained by the woman in our life to accept some things and just shut up.

Wedding plans do strange things to a man, and as already mentioned, we are dragged around to these strange places and have to register for wedding gifts. Now I find it very strange to register for a gift. I always thought a gift was just that...a gift...and part of the process of married life is to return those gifts if you get too many of the same thing or...simply store them in your attic until the first gift breaks or wears out. I have since learned, however, that this is not how things work anymore. It is very important to register.

This young man was brought to a place and was probably directed to a computer website and was given the task of helping his fiancée register for some gifts. It seems he did real well for a while until he made the ultimate mistake.

As he was previewing the available gift listings he came across some books. The books in question were weight loss books from the Weight Watchers people. As he was reviewing the list he openly asked his future bride “should I register you for this Weight Watchers book you said you wanted?” Ohhh...Poor guy!

This poor soul has not been instructed on the finer point in life when discussing a woman’s weight! I feel sorry for him because none of us older guys have taken him aside and instructed him about territory he should and should not enter with his future bride!

I know well that this is not an issue to discuss. My experience in married life has given me great wisdom!

I will take him aside real soon and try to save him from further disasters. I will also instruct him on future anniversary gifts to avoid. I made my first mistake on my first wedding anniversary. My wife had made mention that she needed one of those big black speckled roasting pans. I gave her one for our first anniversary.

I didn’t find out until after the gift was proudly presented that I was sending her the wrong message. My love for her is much more important than her cooking abilities! (Honey, have I been forgiven yet?)

Clifford

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